Secrets and Lies

(original post 6/20/06)

It's funny, the way you think your year will go in January, and how different it looks behind you in June.

I started to prepare and convince myself of a number of things, six months ago. The biggest one being that I would no longer be married, and that I would probably move out of State College, hopefully out of Pennsylvania in general. I was sure I'd also finally learn to play guitar, since I've owned one forever and would like to have something musical to do besides singing in the car. I hoped that I would be filling a lot of my time writing...and writing something productive, insightful, and publishable. There were a lot of other smaller, material goals...pay off some bills, throw out a bunch of junk I've been carrying around with me for 3, 4, 5 years or more, and put more time into other creative things, like photography and cooking.

I had other goals too, that had nothing to do with places and things. I needed to work on being more honest with myself, and listen to my feelings about things and acting on them, instead of hiding behind the way I thought I was *supposed to* be...something that had become more the norm for me, in order to make others happy, and not myself. Being honest with myself, of course, meant being honest with everyone else, too. Small concept, big consequences. I was also sure that I had some really close friendships developing, and I was commited to focusing a lot of energy on other people, because it's been a long time since I've had friends I felt this close to. Having a couple people in your life that know nearly everything about you...people you don't really hold anything back from...does wonders for your confidence and your closeness with everyone else. All this energy being focused on other people hasn't always been the best thing for me, though...but it's my habit...and I think a bad part of myself that I still need to work on is focusing more on my own goals and responsibilities, and not putting so much of myself into my relationships with other people. But I love them, and it makes me happy and restores my karma, so I'm just constantly trying to find the balance. :)

So needless to say, it's six months later, and I haven't moved. I still think it might happen by the end of the year, but there is a lot that would need to happen before that...and the details are what might hold me back. Mainly money, and school...I need to finish 6-9 credits before I leave, and they MUST be completed by the end of this fall. I'm legally seperated but not "officially" divorced, but getting there. Some parts of it are a hassle more than anything (but easier than you would expect it to be, I guess). I haven't picked up the guitar. (I'm left handed and it's not. That's my excuse!) I've written more in 2006 than I did in 2005, so I suppose I should be happy with that....but most of it is blogging, journaling, mediocre poetry, and to-do-lists. :) I did write some nice opinion pieces and letters to the editor for the paper, about local things. That's kinda nice, I guess. The little stuff? Paid off some bills, but accrued others; been slacking on the photography, but my camera, I've discovered, pretty much sucks. It's just too old. Cooking...eh. I made some good wing sauce, an awesome batch of chicken parm, a couple different Indian recipes...nothing that exciting. I want to cook for more people. Cooking elaborate meals for myself kinda sucks. I am feeling kinda crafty though...there were these awesome things we used to make as kids that I want to do...Cat's Eyes, I think they're called? Sticks and yarn. :) But they're fun.

Man, am I fucking rambling on about nothing, or what?! You really don't have to read all this. ;)

My emotional ties to people run very deep. Very little ever really "ends". I know you can never maintain that many really close relationships at one time, but I'm certainly one to try. Since my grandiose ideas of total honesty with myself and others have become so important to me, I'm battling a tiny little bi-product of that which I'm not too sure how to deal with. How much *should* people really know? What if I want someone to know something, just to make myself feel better, but in the end that knowledge might be more harmful or hurtful than good? Maybe I should just leave that up to the recipient...but what secrets should you really keep? *sigh* I think these questions might remain unanswered. On one hand, my life as open book is quite fine with me. At this point, I don't think there are any questions, from any person, on any subject, that I wouldn't answer...but that seems like overkill. I guess it might be just a selfish desire...to not feel like I'm lying..or cheating...or stealing...or hurting...anyone, ever. Is that too much to ask? ;)


I don't want to be hostile
And I don't want to be dismal
But I don't want to rot in
An apathetic existance

See, I want to believe you
And I wanted to trust you
And I want to have faith to
Put away the dagger

But you lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
And yet I tolerate you

You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
And yet I tolerate you

Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
While I smiling and laughing and dance
And sing and praise your glory
Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma
As I smile and laugh and dance
And sing your glory
While you

Lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
How can I tolerate you?

You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
How can I tolerate?

Our guilt, our blame
I've been far too sympathetic
Our blood, our fault
I've been far too sympathetic

I am not innocent
You are not innocent
No one is innocent

You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal

I will no longer tolerate you
Even if I must go down beside you
I must go down beside you
No one is innocent
~Tool, Intolerance

Planetary Pranksters and Stuff That Sucks, or Divine Intervention and Staying Honest

(original post 6/15/06)

So what if I read my horoscope all the time?! So what if it's always right?!

This week needs to goddamn end. :) This post needs to be amusing and easgoing instead of pissed off and stressed....usually writing makes me feel better, so that's the goal.

Just a small recount of the shit that's happened to me this week that has put me in such an irritated mood...even though I'm trying my best to take a deep breath and laugh:

-unpaid parking ticket that was not supposed to be paid by me did not get paid...i come home for lunch on monday and receive a warrant for my arrest. :) get to drive to the atm w/ constable following close behind and retrieve $80 for the cause.
-big ass truck on the highway throws dirt and dust at my car, and only later do i realize there's a huge crack in my windshield. cannot afford to fix it. don't know yet if insurance will cover it. probably not.
-wallet gets left behind in bldg i work in. no big deal, people here are trustworthy, right? wrong. stolen. lose $30, plus $10 to replace driver's license, plus had to cancel the atm/check card, and must now wait 7-10 days for the new one. i don't have a local bank, so i don't really have any access to my money. must still write someone a check so i can get cash.
-after wallet gets stolen, gas tank is on E. having no cash, i go to uni-mart to write a check. only after i put $10 do i find out they don't take checks. at least the guy let me come back 5 hours later to pay.
-i'm broke. between losing the cash in my wallet, paying the parking ticket, and finding out that my last car insurance payment didn't get taken out of my ex's account like they had told me it did....i don't really even have enough money to eat & drive for the month, let alone have any goddamn fun.
-i left my lunch on my porch. :( i can't drive home to get it because i don't have enough gas to drive back and forth, nor the money to afford to do so. the cats are gonna eat it.
-someone who was going to take one of the kittens can't now. tally is back at four, but i'm pursuing other options.


on top of all these concrete things (or because of them), on the outside i'm ok and on the inside i'm a big knot. i'm feeling hyper-senisitve and nervous about saying or doing the wrong thing and hurting someone. i'm also really anxious about potentially making a fool of myself. i'm still pretty sure that blunt honesty is the way to go (otherwise i wouldn't be writing!). i rely too much on other people to make me happy, but i sure do need them now. i really want to do something this weekend that is fun, free, outdoors, relaxing, social, and involves being with the people i love. i'd also be open to winning the lottery.

*sigh*

ok. i hate to be the downer so i'm forcing myself to end on a happy note, and then go about the rest of my day acting like i've taken this blog and burned it in the wind. :) happy note, happy note....hmmm....

i had a great night. :) i'm glad i went out. tonight's plans have had a wrench throw in 'em (TD's canceled, kids - whaddya want to do now?), but i'm thinking that might not end up being that bad. i can't afford our lifestyle anyway. ;) we'll have fun somehow. i also am debating about intervening in something that is totally none of my business...but i'm pretty sure a long distance friend of mine, who is way more on the same page as me than he'd ever realize, needs to cheer the fuck up, realize his own worth, stay a little more sober, and see that there's a nice young girl out there who is trying make him happy... *she is soo cute and seems like a total doll*, and he needs someone positive in his life, me thinks. and i barely know him. :) hee hee. for some reason the intervention makes me giddy.

i love my friends. Even more than 107 of them. :)

alright. i'm in a better mood now. time for cup of coffee number three.

ah, blog.  i'm sorry i'm neglecting you for myspace again.  perhaps if i revamped you to include the fun stuff like music, slideshows, and pictures of my friends, i wouldn't spend so much time there. but it's kind of telling....when i'm there, i'm obviously being irresponsible, reckless, youthful and toying with sin. :) when i'm here, i'm being introspective, serious, responsible and taking stock of my priorities.  i know, you're like the mom.  no, you're the angel on one shoulder.  it follows that myspace is the devil on the other side.  but i'm way better friends with him.  i just wanted to let you know that i'm having a crappy week. i feel weird but i can't put my finger on it.  a little sad, a little lonely, a little like a failure, a little embarrassed at my lack of responsibility, a little unloved.  so i need the angel on my shoulder - i need those priorities and responsibility. but it's been difficult to pull myself away from mr. devil on the other shoulder - he's cute and sexy and he makes me spend all my money, and then he leaves me feeling used. ;)  mr. angel, i just wish you'd be willing to get me drunk every once in awhile.  i know that's not really necessary and might be the source of my problems, but mr. angel, you're just not much fun.  perhaps i need to give you a second chance though.  i'm really trying to be good.  or at least, that's my plan...and we all know how plans have a way of unravelling these days, at least mine.

alright...that's all.  just wanted to say hi. :)