Secrets and Lies

(original post 6/20/06)

It's funny, the way you think your year will go in January, and how different it looks behind you in June.

I started to prepare and convince myself of a number of things, six months ago. The biggest one being that I would no longer be married, and that I would probably move out of State College, hopefully out of Pennsylvania in general. I was sure I'd also finally learn to play guitar, since I've owned one forever and would like to have something musical to do besides singing in the car. I hoped that I would be filling a lot of my time writing...and writing something productive, insightful, and publishable. There were a lot of other smaller, material goals...pay off some bills, throw out a bunch of junk I've been carrying around with me for 3, 4, 5 years or more, and put more time into other creative things, like photography and cooking.

I had other goals too, that had nothing to do with places and things. I needed to work on being more honest with myself, and listen to my feelings about things and acting on them, instead of hiding behind the way I thought I was *supposed to* be...something that had become more the norm for me, in order to make others happy, and not myself. Being honest with myself, of course, meant being honest with everyone else, too. Small concept, big consequences. I was also sure that I had some really close friendships developing, and I was commited to focusing a lot of energy on other people, because it's been a long time since I've had friends I felt this close to. Having a couple people in your life that know nearly everything about you...people you don't really hold anything back from...does wonders for your confidence and your closeness with everyone else. All this energy being focused on other people hasn't always been the best thing for me, though...but it's my habit...and I think a bad part of myself that I still need to work on is focusing more on my own goals and responsibilities, and not putting so much of myself into my relationships with other people. But I love them, and it makes me happy and restores my karma, so I'm just constantly trying to find the balance. :)

So needless to say, it's six months later, and I haven't moved. I still think it might happen by the end of the year, but there is a lot that would need to happen before that...and the details are what might hold me back. Mainly money, and school...I need to finish 6-9 credits before I leave, and they MUST be completed by the end of this fall. I'm legally seperated but not "officially" divorced, but getting there. Some parts of it are a hassle more than anything (but easier than you would expect it to be, I guess). I haven't picked up the guitar. (I'm left handed and it's not. That's my excuse!) I've written more in 2006 than I did in 2005, so I suppose I should be happy with that....but most of it is blogging, journaling, mediocre poetry, and to-do-lists. :) I did write some nice opinion pieces and letters to the editor for the paper, about local things. That's kinda nice, I guess. The little stuff? Paid off some bills, but accrued others; been slacking on the photography, but my camera, I've discovered, pretty much sucks. It's just too old. Cooking...eh. I made some good wing sauce, an awesome batch of chicken parm, a couple different Indian recipes...nothing that exciting. I want to cook for more people. Cooking elaborate meals for myself kinda sucks. I am feeling kinda crafty though...there were these awesome things we used to make as kids that I want to do...Cat's Eyes, I think they're called? Sticks and yarn. :) But they're fun.

Man, am I fucking rambling on about nothing, or what?! You really don't have to read all this. ;)

My emotional ties to people run very deep. Very little ever really "ends". I know you can never maintain that many really close relationships at one time, but I'm certainly one to try. Since my grandiose ideas of total honesty with myself and others have become so important to me, I'm battling a tiny little bi-product of that which I'm not too sure how to deal with. How much *should* people really know? What if I want someone to know something, just to make myself feel better, but in the end that knowledge might be more harmful or hurtful than good? Maybe I should just leave that up to the recipient...but what secrets should you really keep? *sigh* I think these questions might remain unanswered. On one hand, my life as open book is quite fine with me. At this point, I don't think there are any questions, from any person, on any subject, that I wouldn't answer...but that seems like overkill. I guess it might be just a selfish desire...to not feel like I'm lying..or cheating...or stealing...or hurting...anyone, ever. Is that too much to ask? ;)


I don't want to be hostile
And I don't want to be dismal
But I don't want to rot in
An apathetic existance

See, I want to believe you
And I wanted to trust you
And I want to have faith to
Put away the dagger

But you lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
And yet I tolerate you

You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
And yet I tolerate you

Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
While I smiling and laughing and dance
And sing and praise your glory
Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma
As I smile and laugh and dance
And sing your glory
While you

Lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
How can I tolerate you?

You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
How can I tolerate?

Our guilt, our blame
I've been far too sympathetic
Our blood, our fault
I've been far too sympathetic

I am not innocent
You are not innocent
No one is innocent

You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal
You lie, cheat and steal

I will no longer tolerate you
Even if I must go down beside you
I must go down beside you
No one is innocent
~Tool, Intolerance