Road trip for work, to Maryland. Saw TWO Bald Eagles on the drive. Beautiful...I mean, really beautiful. They were absolutely amazing to see, flying over the rivers, on a gorgeous, crystal clear spring day. There wasn't a second of our drive down or back that I wasn't just staring out the windows with my jaw dropped. Everything went from brown and gray, to pink and yellow and minty green and purple and blue...all in one weekend, it seems. Breathtaking.
I feel as though, over the past two weeks or so, I've been holding back from people, somewhat. I'm not really sure why. I think it's ok...I don't feel like it's a bad thing...I think it's an issue of self-protection, perhaps. Anyway, even though I'm alright with it right now, I hope I can slough it off soon. It's not like me to hold back. Really. But, as usually happens, writing something like that tends to turn things around...so we shall see.
I have a shitload of work to finish up over the next three days...and since Thursday is a holiday, I'll be leaving work early, so I've gotta get my shit together tomorrow and get crackin'. FYI: I don't dislike my job anymore. It was other things I disliked, that were affecting my job. HOWEVER, I'm still very, very unhappy with the whole lack of windows thing, and I would pretty much give up my ability to walk if someone would offer me a desk near a window...preferably an open window...or more specifically, why don't we just carry my desk outside and I'll run a cord out to the phone. I'm sure the wireless internet will work right outside the door. Ok? Seriously, I AM NOT built to work in an office. It's driving me fucking crazy. Who does this shit for 20-some years? I'll wither away first.
So as to not end this on such a dreary note...I might actually make it through this month without being down to my last $5, but only if the gas stops going up so much. I already have some beer for the tailgate on Saturday! and plans for next weekend that shouldn't involve much money at all (spring cleaning at Camp Kilroy!). Soooo....if I can be good in the middle of the week and not drive around too much, May might not be so hard to wait for after all. :)
And oh yes, before I forget, because God knows I'm not keeping up with this anymore but it's still fun to suggest:
Really Good Driving Song: Every Time You Say Goodbye - Alison Kraus & Union Station
4.18.2006
4.13.2006
The Observationist
Across the street from my office is a large open field. I think they plant soybeans or something there, I'm not sure. For the past few months, though, it's been home to a few seemingly content groundhogs, whose presence has as little bearing on our work as ours has on theirs. I've watched them venture across this plot, popping up out of the various holes they've cleared for themselves. I've watched the little groundhog babies try to follow an adult out across the hill, and watched that adult scurry off as fast as possible to get out of their sight, until their nervousness gets the best of them and they duck back down below the earth.
Out walking in the woods that borders this field, I've twice seen a flock of about 20 wild turkeys. Once I nearly snuck up on them (which, if you don't know, is very hard to do), and saw one of the males displaying his feathers as he strutted up slowly behind the rest of the females. He seemed unperturbed...or unaware...of my presence.
There are redtailed hawks, black vultures, ravens, kestrels, mockingbirds, robins, and blue jays; there are grey squirrels, red squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, more groundhogs...and cows, in the fields further down. There are oak trees, elms, cedars, maples, birch, and others I probably can't identify. There are countless insects and wildflowers.
If I sat on a city street for a few hours, alone, I would be content to take in the interactions of those around me. If I sat on the same street many days or weeks in a row, I'm sure I'd see the same people, and similar interactions, and maybe even start to know some of them...without actually speaking to them. People's patterns aren't that different from animals, and no more difficult to observe. It just takes patience, and maybe some ability to disconnect from yourself.
When I talk about getting to know people better, it's this kind of observation that I use. Taking in all the nature around me over an hour lunch break, once or twice a week for the past few months, has made me understand this little ecosystem that we exist next to for forty hours a week. Taking in all the people around me, every word, action, inaction, gesture, look, conversation, detail or nuance...it's the same skill, the same way of taking in my surroundings. No one sat me down and said, this is what this field is like, this is where the predators are, this is where that path leads, this is the fence between this man's land and that...but without any direction, it didn't take long to figure it out for myself. In the same way, no one will sit me down and say this is how I am, this is how I act, this is how I react to things, my likes, dislikes, the things that make me happy or the things that make me angry. You might get that from close friends, but you certainly won't get that from people you don't know well, or strangers. But it's there, and it's easy to see. You just have to figure out how to put it all together. You just have to know how to look.
Out walking in the woods that borders this field, I've twice seen a flock of about 20 wild turkeys. Once I nearly snuck up on them (which, if you don't know, is very hard to do), and saw one of the males displaying his feathers as he strutted up slowly behind the rest of the females. He seemed unperturbed...or unaware...of my presence.
There are redtailed hawks, black vultures, ravens, kestrels, mockingbirds, robins, and blue jays; there are grey squirrels, red squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, more groundhogs...and cows, in the fields further down. There are oak trees, elms, cedars, maples, birch, and others I probably can't identify. There are countless insects and wildflowers.
If I sat on a city street for a few hours, alone, I would be content to take in the interactions of those around me. If I sat on the same street many days or weeks in a row, I'm sure I'd see the same people, and similar interactions, and maybe even start to know some of them...without actually speaking to them. People's patterns aren't that different from animals, and no more difficult to observe. It just takes patience, and maybe some ability to disconnect from yourself.
When I talk about getting to know people better, it's this kind of observation that I use. Taking in all the nature around me over an hour lunch break, once or twice a week for the past few months, has made me understand this little ecosystem that we exist next to for forty hours a week. Taking in all the people around me, every word, action, inaction, gesture, look, conversation, detail or nuance...it's the same skill, the same way of taking in my surroundings. No one sat me down and said, this is what this field is like, this is where the predators are, this is where that path leads, this is the fence between this man's land and that...but without any direction, it didn't take long to figure it out for myself. In the same way, no one will sit me down and say this is how I am, this is how I act, this is how I react to things, my likes, dislikes, the things that make me happy or the things that make me angry. You might get that from close friends, but you certainly won't get that from people you don't know well, or strangers. But it's there, and it's easy to see. You just have to figure out how to put it all together. You just have to know how to look.
4.11.2006
Onward
Tell me I am not selfish. Tell me how to balance the amount of time I need to spend alone, on myself, on my goals, doing the things I need to do to feel fulfilled...tell me how to balance these things. I am alone...newly, expectedly, and gratifyingly (although somewhat unofficially) single, and now the only struggles are within myself.
It seems as though most people equate “single” with “available”, which is obvious every time someone assumes that I’m already out looking for a relationship. That assumption is reinforced by the fact that I am female, and a single woman who is happy with that status is both rare and peculiar. Moments of weakness or loneliness spring up, of course...we’re social creatures. We need love to survive. It’s the level of maturity I require from the love I need that is keeping me grounded.
It’s the slowness. I’ve always rushed in to things. Dive in head first, why not, it’s exciting...how can such immediate connections be wrong? What I mean by the level of maturity, though, is that I’ve been making a conscious decision to actually – GASP! – get to know people better. Now that I know I’m not in any hurry (and, while I’m on that – WHY was I before?), it’s so much more satisfying to get to the root of someone else with patience and sincerity.
The only hindrance to this is passion. It’s so easy to get caught up in those little shocks your heart is giving you...easy enough to forget that what seems true one day might not be so true the next. Lucky for us all, the truth has a way of coming to the surface, and lucky too, it seldom takes as long as you’d expect. If I can swallow that eagerness, I might just end up much more sure of what I have.
So, tell me I am not selfish. I have much to do, and lots of ways I need to grow up...but I am not selfish. I think maybe I’m just lucky – in everything and everyone that I DO have right now. Trying to remember that and treat it for what it’s worth is everything...and what’s funny is, as I’m learning this, I feel like I actually have more love in my life than I’ve had for a long, long time.
It seems as though most people equate “single” with “available”, which is obvious every time someone assumes that I’m already out looking for a relationship. That assumption is reinforced by the fact that I am female, and a single woman who is happy with that status is both rare and peculiar. Moments of weakness or loneliness spring up, of course...we’re social creatures. We need love to survive. It’s the level of maturity I require from the love I need that is keeping me grounded.
It’s the slowness. I’ve always rushed in to things. Dive in head first, why not, it’s exciting...how can such immediate connections be wrong? What I mean by the level of maturity, though, is that I’ve been making a conscious decision to actually – GASP! – get to know people better. Now that I know I’m not in any hurry (and, while I’m on that – WHY was I before?), it’s so much more satisfying to get to the root of someone else with patience and sincerity.
The only hindrance to this is passion. It’s so easy to get caught up in those little shocks your heart is giving you...easy enough to forget that what seems true one day might not be so true the next. Lucky for us all, the truth has a way of coming to the surface, and lucky too, it seldom takes as long as you’d expect. If I can swallow that eagerness, I might just end up much more sure of what I have.
So, tell me I am not selfish. I have much to do, and lots of ways I need to grow up...but I am not selfish. I think maybe I’m just lucky – in everything and everyone that I DO have right now. Trying to remember that and treat it for what it’s worth is everything...and what’s funny is, as I’m learning this, I feel like I actually have more love in my life than I’ve had for a long, long time.
4.05.2006
(untitled)
This weather, like my moods -
Spring winter spring,
Sun snow sun,
Breeze wind breeze.
Love sadness love,
Weathervanes spinning like tops,
Cycles in the season,
Cycles in days.
Spring winter spring,
Sun snow sun,
Breeze wind breeze.
Love sadness love,
Weathervanes spinning like tops,
Cycles in the season,
Cycles in days.
4.04.2006
No Caffeine and Still Awake
Ok, so the journal typing is slow-going. I came home from work late (stayed late to make up for the THREE HOURS I was home over lunch waiting for the cable modem dude), and I'm not quite sure what I did with the next three hours. Cooked, tried to take some pics of me and my cat, rearranged some furniture, still more of that to do...have I mentioned I own a lot of CRAP?! Ugh.
I need a good old fashioned fire. If this house hadn't already burned once, and I wasn't a Sag & a Dragon and therefore destined to die by fire anyway, I'd wish that two more times in a mirror and maybe Bloody Mary would come help. Instead, I'll just DRINK a Bloody Mary (well, tomorrow, when I get the garnish!)...and perhaps the more of them I drink, the more stuff I will throw away...until all I'm left with is my furniture and my pets.
Actually, I'm kidding. I'm tired of excessive drinking, thank you State College. I just don't think a Bloody Mary really counts, since it's more of a meal!
So, to recap:
-archiving takes a long ass time (and if I wasn't writing this I could be doing that)
-10 years and 13 apartments later, I own way too much junk
-writers block isn't as bad as too many ideas and not enough direction
-oh, and a new mantra...right Julie? Keep a look out for assholes disguised as nice guys. ;) No no, that's not a good one. I'm kidding, really. I just want to watch out for my karma. I want to be a good person and I want people to be good to me. Is that too much to ask? ;)
I should not be blogging at 1:00 AM. I write things I tend to cringe at my words the next day. Good for laughs, though.
G'night.
I need a good old fashioned fire. If this house hadn't already burned once, and I wasn't a Sag & a Dragon and therefore destined to die by fire anyway, I'd wish that two more times in a mirror and maybe Bloody Mary would come help. Instead, I'll just DRINK a Bloody Mary (well, tomorrow, when I get the garnish!)...and perhaps the more of them I drink, the more stuff I will throw away...until all I'm left with is my furniture and my pets.
Actually, I'm kidding. I'm tired of excessive drinking, thank you State College. I just don't think a Bloody Mary really counts, since it's more of a meal!
So, to recap:
-archiving takes a long ass time (and if I wasn't writing this I could be doing that)
-10 years and 13 apartments later, I own way too much junk
-writers block isn't as bad as too many ideas and not enough direction
-oh, and a new mantra...right Julie? Keep a look out for assholes disguised as nice guys. ;) No no, that's not a good one. I'm kidding, really. I just want to watch out for my karma. I want to be a good person and I want people to be good to me. Is that too much to ask? ;)
I should not be blogging at 1:00 AM. I write things I tend to cringe at my words the next day. Good for laughs, though.
G'night.
4.03.2006
That Damn Lane
Despite the fact that I have a million things going on in my life right now, I've been feeling like I need to commit to some sort of lengthy creative project. I've been having problems focusing on any one thing, maybe because I have too much on my plate...but I feel like I need to pick a direction, and fast. Every day, I'm thinking about moving, or not moving, or getting a second job (well, that's not really optional), or doing more photography, or writing something - but I have a gazillion ideas and none of them feel solid - or something musical, though I don't really have any outlet for that (but if anybody is screwing around with (or more seriously persuing) some band or solo project and wants a chick singer to learn/write lyrics to a couple songs, I'm all yours..yikes). Jesus. You see what I mean?
Ok, the POINT is, I think I picked a project, or at least one that I've been meaning to accomplish and I can work through at any pace: I want to type up all my journals.
Now, I'm not really talking about a trip down memory lane here (and I'll credit Gabe with being right about that - nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there). I want to do this for a couple reasons:
1.) Even with the utmost determination, this is going to take a long time. I'm talking about a minimum of 11-14 notebooks of writing. Bound, nearly full, with little scraps of paper tucked into every nook and cranny, some dated, some not, letters I never sent....literally hundreds of pages of stuff. It's organized TO ME, but not to anyone else, and even to me the chronology is getting a bit disheveled.
2.) If I don't do this soon, something is going to happen to it all. Ok, sometimes I wonder if that would actually be a good thing. Sometimes, this stuff is a weight...but it's very important to me, and in the end I would be heartbroken if it were destroyed.
3.) I need a good laugh. In between the mountains of seriousness, there are many snippets of absolutely hilarious things...quotes from friends that I wrote in the margins, observations about people, stupid poems I wrote in high school, crushes ("I love him, I wonder if he loves me?" I mean OMG I'm going to cringe at my own words. The earliest date I can find so far on any of this is 10/10/92. A poem. I had horrible high school crush and my juvinile words do not express clearly enough the angst and heartbreak I *thought* I was feeling. Anyone who thinks they hate getting older obviously forgets high school.
4.) As humans, we simply forget. We forget the deepness of our experiences and we repeat ourselves. I'm at a crossroads right now, absolutely. I don't think typing up these journals is going to give me the answer to my future. I do, however, think that the reflection might give me a little insight that I probably need.
Now don't get all excited. I'm not publishing this stuff. I'll probably feel the urge to throw half of it away as I read it, but I'm trying to promise myself I won't. There is some pretty incriminating stuff in there...who was doing what drugs when, who bought our kegs when we were underage, and god knows that I hint at *nearly* every boy I kissed. ;) So...yeah...wish me luck, because this is kind of intimidating me now. Oh well, onward...
...but feel free to let me know if you think I should just burn the stuff. ;)
Ok, the POINT is, I think I picked a project, or at least one that I've been meaning to accomplish and I can work through at any pace: I want to type up all my journals.
Now, I'm not really talking about a trip down memory lane here (and I'll credit Gabe with being right about that - nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there). I want to do this for a couple reasons:
1.) Even with the utmost determination, this is going to take a long time. I'm talking about a minimum of 11-14 notebooks of writing. Bound, nearly full, with little scraps of paper tucked into every nook and cranny, some dated, some not, letters I never sent....literally hundreds of pages of stuff. It's organized TO ME, but not to anyone else, and even to me the chronology is getting a bit disheveled.
2.) If I don't do this soon, something is going to happen to it all. Ok, sometimes I wonder if that would actually be a good thing. Sometimes, this stuff is a weight...but it's very important to me, and in the end I would be heartbroken if it were destroyed.
3.) I need a good laugh. In between the mountains of seriousness, there are many snippets of absolutely hilarious things...quotes from friends that I wrote in the margins, observations about people, stupid poems I wrote in high school, crushes ("I love him, I wonder if he loves me?" I mean OMG I'm going to cringe at my own words. The earliest date I can find so far on any of this is 10/10/92. A poem. I had horrible high school crush and my juvinile words do not express clearly enough the angst and heartbreak I *thought* I was feeling. Anyone who thinks they hate getting older obviously forgets high school.
4.) As humans, we simply forget. We forget the deepness of our experiences and we repeat ourselves. I'm at a crossroads right now, absolutely. I don't think typing up these journals is going to give me the answer to my future. I do, however, think that the reflection might give me a little insight that I probably need.
Now don't get all excited. I'm not publishing this stuff. I'll probably feel the urge to throw half of it away as I read it, but I'm trying to promise myself I won't. There is some pretty incriminating stuff in there...who was doing what drugs when, who bought our kegs when we were underage, and god knows that I hint at *nearly* every boy I kissed. ;) So...yeah...wish me luck, because this is kind of intimidating me now. Oh well, onward...
...but feel free to let me know if you think I should just burn the stuff. ;)
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