Onward

Tell me I am not selfish. Tell me how to balance the amount of time I need to spend alone, on myself, on my goals, doing the things I need to do to feel fulfilled...tell me how to balance these things. I am alone...newly, expectedly, and gratifyingly (although somewhat unofficially) single, and now the only struggles are within myself.

It seems as though most people equate “single” with “available”, which is obvious every time someone assumes that I’m already out looking for a relationship. That assumption is reinforced by the fact that I am female, and a single woman who is happy with that status is both rare and peculiar. Moments of weakness or loneliness spring up, of course...we’re social creatures. We need love to survive. It’s the level of maturity I require from the love I need that is keeping me grounded.

It’s the slowness. I’ve always rushed in to things. Dive in head first, why not, it’s exciting...how can such immediate connections be wrong? What I mean by the level of maturity, though, is that I’ve been making a conscious decision to actually – GASP! – get to know people better. Now that I know I’m not in any hurry (and, while I’m on that – WHY was I before?), it’s so much more satisfying to get to the root of someone else with patience and sincerity.

The only hindrance to this is passion. It’s so easy to get caught up in those little shocks your heart is giving you...easy enough to forget that what seems true one day might not be so true the next. Lucky for us all, the truth has a way of coming to the surface, and lucky too, it seldom takes as long as you’d expect. If I can swallow that eagerness, I might just end up much more sure of what I have.

So, tell me I am not selfish. I have much to do, and lots of ways I need to grow up...but I am not selfish. I think maybe I’m just lucky – in everything and everyone that I DO have right now. Trying to remember that and treat it for what it’s worth is everything...and what’s funny is, as I’m learning this, I feel like I actually have more love in my life than I’ve had for a long, long time.