Sooner or later I’m going to get hit by a car, or bitten, or cited for trespassing...all because of my gut reaction to random pets scampering about on the sides of highways (or in my yard). In the past two years, I have rescued four stray dogs, three feral cats (all now spayed or placed in homes), attempted to rescue about two or three more dogs which had the speed or agility to evade me, and cared for about five other outdoor cats (and the kittens they propagate) that I just can’t afford to do more than feed. Yesterday, I found myself pulled over on the side of a busy road at 5:15 PM, again, trying to catch or chase away a cat (with a collar on) that was about to walk up onto the highway from the exit ramp. It ran away...in the right direction, at least. The last time I did this, it was a big black dog that really didn’t look too friendly, but he seemed to think the road was the best place to be, and I was at least going to make him think otherwise. I almost stopped in the middle of a business trip with my boss, in a town I didn’t know, just because a big Husky was walking along the side of the highway. I don’t think ahead to what I’ll do once I get these animals in my car. I just hope they’ll be happy for a ride to PAWS, and won’t proceed to bite the back of my head while I’m driving. I’ve been late to things because of this habit. I think I watch too much Animal Cops.
(and now for something completely unrelated...)
I was exhausted by 8 PM yesterday, and was trying to write, but found myself falling asleep instead. So I finished up some notes, and went to bed early. Why does this always lead to wicked dreams? Something about an underground labyrinth of playful passageways, with marble slides and conveniently placed washing machines, and the whole thing was filled with about 5 feet of crystal blue water and well lit, enough that you could swim through it all...like a refreshing sparkling underground pool...and after swimming naked back and forth through this crazy place, the machines were very useful for washing the bathing suit that I hadn’t used. There were other people around, too...random people, and friends, but that was neither significant nor a reason for discomfort. I’ve had these dreams before, but these tunnels of water were always dark and dangerous...and one, for the longest time, I was convinced I’d been to in reality before. I’m sure it doesn’t really exist, but I’m still positive I’ve been there.
I love our subconscious minds.
3.29.2006
3.28.2006
Ton of Feathers, Ton of Bricks
LOL.
I mean, I really hate saying that. Typing it. Whatever. But LOL.
I sure have written a shit-ton of fucking-wah lately, huh? I am all for cathartic honesty, though, even if it is in riddles...so I won't make excuses or apologize. Because it will probably happen again. ;) But in the meantime, there is also this:
You know how "they" say there are different stages of your emotional reaction to life-changing events? You know, like first you're sad, and then you're angry, and then the anger turns to violence and you start running over innocent...no no no I'm only kidding! Well I am happy to say (to myself, at least) that I THINK I'm beginning to move from the sad-selfpitying-doubtful-dispirited stage to...well, whatever is next. It's not anger, anyway. I am rarely an angry person, which can be positive or negative (some situations just call for anger). I just think that the next stage is looking to be a little more encouraging than the last.
That, and it's totally becoming spring now. :) Helps. A lot.
I mean, I really hate saying that. Typing it. Whatever. But LOL.
I sure have written a shit-ton of fucking-wah lately, huh? I am all for cathartic honesty, though, even if it is in riddles...so I won't make excuses or apologize. Because it will probably happen again. ;) But in the meantime, there is also this:
You know how "they" say there are different stages of your emotional reaction to life-changing events? You know, like first you're sad, and then you're angry, and then the anger turns to violence and you start running over innocent...no no no I'm only kidding! Well I am happy to say (to myself, at least) that I THINK I'm beginning to move from the sad-selfpitying-doubtful-dispirited stage to...well, whatever is next. It's not anger, anyway. I am rarely an angry person, which can be positive or negative (some situations just call for anger). I just think that the next stage is looking to be a little more encouraging than the last.
That, and it's totally becoming spring now. :) Helps. A lot.
3.23.2006
Catharsis, and a Carte Blanche Life
When the marks of days take turns towards letting go, these frantic tides of where to lay my head and restlessness, I think the changes (and who’s changing) come in droves...and not to worry through those open doors, and leave yourself settling for less than you deserve, is the key to a choice less hasty and more permanent.
It’s natural that the choices we make lead us to our situations, where some things we’re happy with and some things we’re not. Once you’ve settled on a path, it’s very hard to cross over to the one less taken (or the one more taken, if you choose to be there). So, to be where I am, with a million open doors and very few closed ones...it’s a lucky place to be, and the most intimidating.
On one hand, I want to change everything. I dislike where I live – not so much the house itself, but the town, the region, maybe even the state...I’ve just been here too long, it makes me feel old, and now that I have the freedom to change it, I feel like I should. It may be the last chance I get. I am not fulfilled by the job I am doing, and although I’m happy to sacrifice this time in order to finance some more personal goals, it’s hard to be spending so much of my day dreaming about things that would make me happier. In my closest relationships with people...I feel torn between the familiar and the unknown – between the past, present and future – between those like me, and those who know very little of me at all. I feel very close to a tiny handful of people, and very distant from everyone else.
On the other hand, all this potential is frightening...maddening...overwhelming. This is when the settling takes hold – here I am safe, accustomed, easy. Here I know, at least, that I can go on in the routine. I can stay in my job, in my home; I can nurture the friendships I have, and hope they lead to good places and happy times, and maybe even love, someday. This choice seems purposeful and slow, a guarded life that feels destined to be dull.
I can’t help but be an optimistic person. At least the stress in my life is usually short-lived; I find a way to deal and see the good, at least after a week or two of dwelling on my bad luck. This time is different, though. This time seems...as if everything else rests upon it – and as if that feeling weren’t enough to make the doubt rear it’s ugly head again, every choice carries with it some very heavy sacrifices. I’ve learned in time to deal with the sadness I feel at the ends of things...to learn that the beginnings are there, too. The ends, in this case, mean giving up some things that have given me a lot of happiness. In June, I will have spent ten years here. That’s a huge time commitment to a place I am beginning to resent. That’s one-third of my life...I was 19. Still, the wearing-out-my-welcome seems to be creeping in. People have come and gone, as here they always do – and maybe I’m just beginning to see that I should have left with them. I’m not sad about it, though...and that’s the thought I keep returning to.
I haven’t stopped thinking about all this change for the past month or so. Plans are zygotes, nothing more. I know, however, that these ideas make me happy, hopeful and expectant of better things. I keep coming back to them...in every decision I make, every person I talk to, everything I read or write, every time I look at a map. Nevertheless, as heavy as these thoughts and words are, I feel light.
Impatient, fearful and unsure....but light.
It’s natural that the choices we make lead us to our situations, where some things we’re happy with and some things we’re not. Once you’ve settled on a path, it’s very hard to cross over to the one less taken (or the one more taken, if you choose to be there). So, to be where I am, with a million open doors and very few closed ones...it’s a lucky place to be, and the most intimidating.
On one hand, I want to change everything. I dislike where I live – not so much the house itself, but the town, the region, maybe even the state...I’ve just been here too long, it makes me feel old, and now that I have the freedom to change it, I feel like I should. It may be the last chance I get. I am not fulfilled by the job I am doing, and although I’m happy to sacrifice this time in order to finance some more personal goals, it’s hard to be spending so much of my day dreaming about things that would make me happier. In my closest relationships with people...I feel torn between the familiar and the unknown – between the past, present and future – between those like me, and those who know very little of me at all. I feel very close to a tiny handful of people, and very distant from everyone else.
On the other hand, all this potential is frightening...maddening...overwhelming. This is when the settling takes hold – here I am safe, accustomed, easy. Here I know, at least, that I can go on in the routine. I can stay in my job, in my home; I can nurture the friendships I have, and hope they lead to good places and happy times, and maybe even love, someday. This choice seems purposeful and slow, a guarded life that feels destined to be dull.
I can’t help but be an optimistic person. At least the stress in my life is usually short-lived; I find a way to deal and see the good, at least after a week or two of dwelling on my bad luck. This time is different, though. This time seems...as if everything else rests upon it – and as if that feeling weren’t enough to make the doubt rear it’s ugly head again, every choice carries with it some very heavy sacrifices. I’ve learned in time to deal with the sadness I feel at the ends of things...to learn that the beginnings are there, too. The ends, in this case, mean giving up some things that have given me a lot of happiness. In June, I will have spent ten years here. That’s a huge time commitment to a place I am beginning to resent. That’s one-third of my life...I was 19. Still, the wearing-out-my-welcome seems to be creeping in. People have come and gone, as here they always do – and maybe I’m just beginning to see that I should have left with them. I’m not sad about it, though...and that’s the thought I keep returning to.
I haven’t stopped thinking about all this change for the past month or so. Plans are zygotes, nothing more. I know, however, that these ideas make me happy, hopeful and expectant of better things. I keep coming back to them...in every decision I make, every person I talk to, everything I read or write, every time I look at a map. Nevertheless, as heavy as these thoughts and words are, I feel light.
Impatient, fearful and unsure....but light.
3.12.2006
OUR NAMES GIVE US SOULS
Our power gives us pleasure, and days fall on like dominoes,
A devil’s cup to numb us in our stasis, dry the skin and sink the eyes,
Sweet clouds that swell our passion, calm our thoughts and waste the hours,
Fallen mirrors, so our aging can’t reflect upon the present state of youth.
Fantasy, our time is free and endless, each word a breath behind the next,
A catastrophic shift away from all our fear embodies;
Cracking bones and graying hair, our final hours closer than our first,
This juvenile glimmer in the eye, a spark of necessary ignorance.
The logic of distraction, we are witnesses and players to heavy providence,
A door to faults and indiscretions always open, with seductive gold;
Our naked bodies smooth and glistening, the mind plays tricks with candlelight,
Impure perfection haunts the mind, at war with that which lures us from our goals.
This frequent visitor, our guilt, what one man has another must as well;
We are the names our mothers chose - a boy will do no wrong, a girl the paragon of modesty;
To seize the life we’re given, the grasp of corpses and a will of fire,
Our names beget our liberty, the passage onward rife with siren songs and truth.
A devil’s cup to numb us in our stasis, dry the skin and sink the eyes,
Sweet clouds that swell our passion, calm our thoughts and waste the hours,
Fallen mirrors, so our aging can’t reflect upon the present state of youth.
Fantasy, our time is free and endless, each word a breath behind the next,
A catastrophic shift away from all our fear embodies;
Cracking bones and graying hair, our final hours closer than our first,
This juvenile glimmer in the eye, a spark of necessary ignorance.
The logic of distraction, we are witnesses and players to heavy providence,
A door to faults and indiscretions always open, with seductive gold;
Our naked bodies smooth and glistening, the mind plays tricks with candlelight,
Impure perfection haunts the mind, at war with that which lures us from our goals.
This frequent visitor, our guilt, what one man has another must as well;
We are the names our mothers chose - a boy will do no wrong, a girl the paragon of modesty;
To seize the life we’re given, the grasp of corpses and a will of fire,
Our names beget our liberty, the passage onward rife with siren songs and truth.
3.11.2006
sometimes, i want to be an angry person,
but i just can’t seem to pull it off
straight faced, i’m laughing at you -
how funny all your outrage seems to me.
don’t hold back your tirade, it’s the most you know;
the insignificance is blissful.
my tears are not your conquest,
just my remorse for wasting time on you.
but i just can’t seem to pull it off
straight faced, i’m laughing at you -
how funny all your outrage seems to me.
don’t hold back your tirade, it’s the most you know;
the insignificance is blissful.
my tears are not your conquest,
just my remorse for wasting time on you.
Goddamn fucking goals.
1. Get a second job and make more money so I can eventually move out of this backwoods town. Like, ASAP.
2. Drink less beer, more water, and stop going for leisurely walks with the dog in exchange for long hard bike rides around the lake and runs up the ridiculous Bellefonte hills.
3. Do something public with my writing and photography instead of just sitting around watching it age.
4. Keep honesty at the forefront of my days, and maintain power over obstacles and procrastination.
5. Seriously, I can't live in this town much longer.
6. Quit smoking. I mean, really, what is the point?
7. IMMERSE MYSELF IN GOOD FUCKING MUSIC. and while i'm at it, singing again would be nice.
I know there is more, but I just got distracted by a really good song..... :)
8. Try to limit the getting distracted thing. :) Unless he's hot.
Alright, it's about time for a load of laundry and a long drive home. It's spring here today, suddenly. Driving days again!
Really Good Driving Song: Jolene by Cake
3.02.2006
The Secret Garden
Just the facts, to do with what you will. It's the therapy of truth; the exposition will come later, when time gives the perspective that living it cannot. Pick your life event: divorce, the need to move, and discontent at work, plus a few other lesser goods and evils thrown in for fun. I'm just happy to have a lot of good people around me. They are my love and my rock. Needless to say I've written a lot over the past few weeks, and have not posted a thing. No Reader's Digest Condensed Version for you kids...it's nearly everything, as chronological as I could make it. Have fun catching up...I have.
**********
the lesser of two evils
crowded bar, no surprise that you’re not here
i’m surrounded by the sight of people making eyes
and as i wander to the counter, one more for this song
it’s no wonder these two worlds don’t make sense
measuring progress in words and forgetting
i wonder what the world will come to when i don’t have you
i’m weaker than i seem, but stronger still
now that the lies i lived for you have come undone
this is where the doubt creeps in, the times that we’ve been warm
why dragging on for months seems less to ask,
i’m sure i loved you, know i’ve felt you, want the hurt to run
i’ve come too far and now it’s mine to lose
alone here now, contentment comes
from choice to sleep at 8 pm, when yesterday was sunrise
much stronger in my own defense,
i’m still too weak to throw the gavel down
trying to make you understand the passion
coming from the eyes of a hundred souls
acquaintances, friends, strangers, lovers, crowds
how is it you can sit and fear such life
i’m a day from moving on from you
but fear of all i’m longing for, and doubt
keep me wrapped so tightly, i lose my mind
like the doubt i felt when i promised you i’d stay
this is where the doubt creeps in, the times that we’ve been warm
why dragging on for months seems less to ask,
i’m sure i loved you, know i’ve felt you, want the hurt to run
i’ve come too far and now it’s mine to lose
i’m so tired, and the eyes keep making tears
and the heart keeps beating faster,
and my mind knows there’ll be years of this
if i can’t lay the pain upon you, my soft mercy
this is where the doubt creeps in, the times that we’ve been warm
why dragging on for months seems less to ask,
i’m sure i loved you, know i’ve felt you, want the hurt to run
i’ve come too far and now it’s mine to lose
********************
(untitled)
i’d be moving on tomorrow,
if i’d just let up this waiting
it’s so easy to slip back into this scene
circumstance now, no excuses,
i can’t hurry, it’s so fragile
just as long as you know,
there’s no fucking game
christ, i’m angry; god, i’m bitter;
lord, resentment burns a hole,
i wish truth was never-ending
and believed
friend, i’m sad now; self-inflicted
marks would never be so clear
as the marks behind my eyes
you’ll see revealed
self-assurance, all i need
for one step closer, i am wishing
to be flying higher than i’ve done before
i move slowly, not forever,
yet i make the world keep waiting
i can only promise, there’s an end in store.
***************
(untitled)
There is a cold sky here today,
A barren field, rocks and winter’s gray.
I have a full heart,
And all doubt survives.
Your sweetness, hope and sorrow,
My confidant in patient trials
I want your arms around me
Hold, for an hour, this loneliness at bay.
You are fighting, I am fighting
Wounds not healed by empathy,
But soothed, and we might leave it there.
For now, I tell you every truth
That I am here to kiss your face,
And know we both deserve much more.
********************
(untitled)
It’s a warm day in January
Months till the summer comes
But somehow the springtime
Seems not far away
I’ve been writing too fiercely
Like the words that will lift me
Are just within reach now
And coming on strong
Icicles dripping,
The water flows softly now
Slow like a river
Warmed low with the sun
Maybe you’re winter now
Wait till the summer’s here
I’ve got the mind
To let this free horse run
Smoking this cigarette
Chills and the moonlight
Talking too quickly
To think that I’m sane
Quiet home, candles lit
Windows high, here I sit
Full of the fear of
Reviving the game
Late at night, windy howls
I feel that sadness
Brush sweet ‘cross my face
Wrap her arms like a child
Yet, somehow, not alone
I think I’m given
This chance to make right the days
And make it towards home.
Icicles dripping,
The water flows softly now
Slow like a river
Warmed low with the sun
Maybe you’re winter now
Wait till the summer’s here
I’ve got the mind
To let this free horse run
******************
speechless
i can’t get rid of the high of you
(you know this fucking high can’t last)
sweet days like there was nothing else in this world
(i’ll wake tomorrow, noticing the continent)
it’s the need we fill, nothing for granted
(i’m barely through my door, enjoying loneliness)
you have the most amazing…everything…
(why must there be more to life than ecstasy?)
***************
recollect
beginning, where do i find you?
amongst something new,
sitting in karma’s shadow.
a reconvening of the players,
past and now,
and the bigger picture clears
as spring creeps in
under cover of night.
***************
...and suddenly the weakness in my words makes me angry...that's they funny thing about digging up the past. you have a way of holding your own ego in contempt.
**********
the lesser of two evils
crowded bar, no surprise that you’re not here
i’m surrounded by the sight of people making eyes
and as i wander to the counter, one more for this song
it’s no wonder these two worlds don’t make sense
measuring progress in words and forgetting
i wonder what the world will come to when i don’t have you
i’m weaker than i seem, but stronger still
now that the lies i lived for you have come undone
this is where the doubt creeps in, the times that we’ve been warm
why dragging on for months seems less to ask,
i’m sure i loved you, know i’ve felt you, want the hurt to run
i’ve come too far and now it’s mine to lose
alone here now, contentment comes
from choice to sleep at 8 pm, when yesterday was sunrise
much stronger in my own defense,
i’m still too weak to throw the gavel down
trying to make you understand the passion
coming from the eyes of a hundred souls
acquaintances, friends, strangers, lovers, crowds
how is it you can sit and fear such life
i’m a day from moving on from you
but fear of all i’m longing for, and doubt
keep me wrapped so tightly, i lose my mind
like the doubt i felt when i promised you i’d stay
this is where the doubt creeps in, the times that we’ve been warm
why dragging on for months seems less to ask,
i’m sure i loved you, know i’ve felt you, want the hurt to run
i’ve come too far and now it’s mine to lose
i’m so tired, and the eyes keep making tears
and the heart keeps beating faster,
and my mind knows there’ll be years of this
if i can’t lay the pain upon you, my soft mercy
this is where the doubt creeps in, the times that we’ve been warm
why dragging on for months seems less to ask,
i’m sure i loved you, know i’ve felt you, want the hurt to run
i’ve come too far and now it’s mine to lose
********************
(untitled)
i’d be moving on tomorrow,
if i’d just let up this waiting
it’s so easy to slip back into this scene
circumstance now, no excuses,
i can’t hurry, it’s so fragile
just as long as you know,
there’s no fucking game
christ, i’m angry; god, i’m bitter;
lord, resentment burns a hole,
i wish truth was never-ending
and believed
friend, i’m sad now; self-inflicted
marks would never be so clear
as the marks behind my eyes
you’ll see revealed
self-assurance, all i need
for one step closer, i am wishing
to be flying higher than i’ve done before
i move slowly, not forever,
yet i make the world keep waiting
i can only promise, there’s an end in store.
***************
(untitled)
There is a cold sky here today,
A barren field, rocks and winter’s gray.
I have a full heart,
And all doubt survives.
Your sweetness, hope and sorrow,
My confidant in patient trials
I want your arms around me
Hold, for an hour, this loneliness at bay.
You are fighting, I am fighting
Wounds not healed by empathy,
But soothed, and we might leave it there.
For now, I tell you every truth
That I am here to kiss your face,
And know we both deserve much more.
********************
(untitled)
It’s a warm day in January
Months till the summer comes
But somehow the springtime
Seems not far away
I’ve been writing too fiercely
Like the words that will lift me
Are just within reach now
And coming on strong
Icicles dripping,
The water flows softly now
Slow like a river
Warmed low with the sun
Maybe you’re winter now
Wait till the summer’s here
I’ve got the mind
To let this free horse run
Smoking this cigarette
Chills and the moonlight
Talking too quickly
To think that I’m sane
Quiet home, candles lit
Windows high, here I sit
Full of the fear of
Reviving the game
Late at night, windy howls
I feel that sadness
Brush sweet ‘cross my face
Wrap her arms like a child
Yet, somehow, not alone
I think I’m given
This chance to make right the days
And make it towards home.
Icicles dripping,
The water flows softly now
Slow like a river
Warmed low with the sun
Maybe you’re winter now
Wait till the summer’s here
I’ve got the mind
To let this free horse run
******************
speechless
i can’t get rid of the high of you
(you know this fucking high can’t last)
sweet days like there was nothing else in this world
(i’ll wake tomorrow, noticing the continent)
it’s the need we fill, nothing for granted
(i’m barely through my door, enjoying loneliness)
you have the most amazing…everything…
(why must there be more to life than ecstasy?)
***************
recollect
beginning, where do i find you?
amongst something new,
sitting in karma’s shadow.
a reconvening of the players,
past and now,
and the bigger picture clears
as spring creeps in
under cover of night.
***************
...and suddenly the weakness in my words makes me angry...that's they funny thing about digging up the past. you have a way of holding your own ego in contempt.
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