Testing the Limits of Technology

Where will we find new sources of energy when our oil runs out?

Here's my suggestion: static electricity generated by Northerners in winter.

Just a thought.

It's that time of year when Pennsylvanians everywhere get closer to the cliff of cabin insanity than they've ever been. We never knew we'd be able to stuff that many used tissues into one tiny bathroom wastecan. In fact, everything becomes a tissue in these months. No toilet paper, paper towel, napkin or washcloth is safe from each year's Yankee Frozen Tundra Endurance Test. It's what separates the quilted from the one-ply.

Shareholders in Robutussin and Vaseline Intensive Care keep a close eye on our extended forcasts as well. One mention of the word "mild", one hint of optimism from Punxsutawny Phil, and CEOs screaming "Global Warming!" run crying to the Eskimo children.

Mothers try remedies new and old to keep a child's hair from looking like they've played with the outlets again. My personal favorite was the dryer sheet trick. Perfumed children walk around until Easter with hair smelling line-dried fresh.

But these time-tested routines we fall into are nothing compared to the Gasoline Gamble. We're nearly out of the woods these days. The bright blue sky and shining sun trick you into believing you're safe. The out-of-doors looks like the safety of a summer's day.

Or the safety of a hair dryer inches from the tub.

You know those warnings at gas stations that you Southerners always ignore? Are these directed towards humans who seem to attract lightning strikes? People whose jobs have the side effect of 180 volts pulsing through their fingers? No, you can be assured of your safety. They are directed towards us, your Northern neighbors. Full-service stations aside, as I have yet to purchase a fireproof worksuit, I have taken to sacrificing my hand at each exiting of the vehicle. In true hypothermic logic, I make sure I grab the side of my car door before gassing up, the shock of which renders my left arm barely able to clench the pump. (I'm searching for rubber driving gloves, but apparently this market has yet to be explored.) I have convinced myself that this sacrifice means the shock will not occur when I put the pump in the tank.

Still, doing so seems to illustrate the training our parents were trying to incorporate in childhood when they handed us our first exciting version of "Operation". Don't touch the sides, my friend.

So my suggestion to you is this:

If the hybrid vehicle is the transportation of the future, if solar power really wasn't good enough, if the Tanks of Tomorrow are the Firestarters of Fear today, then let's jump the gun on this technology and harness the power of northern winters. Take the next wave of revolutionary vehicular energy into your own hands.

Literally.