Cowboy Food

Yesterday I accused all you people who don’t take the time to create a home-cooked meal of contributing to the obesity of our society.

Sorry ‘bout that.

I didn’t really mean that, specifically. I’m just acting the part of spokesperson for cooking. Because it’s not as scary as it looks, and is so much more enjoyable!

And as proof, I’d like to expose you to one of the grandest traditions of cooking in this country, one that blows the idea of quick, time-managed thawed box-food out of the water. Clear across the whole damn ocean, really.

Frozen Dinner Family, meet the Kansas City Barbecue Society.

I applaud all of you who have taken the time each summer to drag the grill up on to the deck, slather some bird with sauce, pick out the biggest, juiciest steak you can find and grill up a fine meal at the envy of anybody downwind. You’re well on your way. Just a few slight alterations and you, too, can become a master barbecue chef.

First, don’t put the fire ANYWHERE near the food.
Second, throw out the charcoal and get some wood.
Third, a nice thermometer…a cool 220 degrees will do.
Fourth, put the food on the grill and come back in, oh, at least eight hours.

I told you, FORGET about the time savers. This method will, however, increase the neighbor-envy factor at least threefold. You will also need a suitable lounge chair, as staring at the grill with pride is best done while sitting. Additionally, said chair should come equipped with a convenient beer can holder.

Chickens also make great beer can holders. But we’ll talk about that later.

There’s not much more to it. Add some wood now and again, and the process fuels itself. You have not eaten a rack of ribs, pulled pork, beef brisket, big ‘ol turkey legs or salmon correctly until they are falling off the bone and disintegrating like cotton candy in your mouth.

Now’s a good time for the vegetarian disclaimer, I guess. You should probably stop reading now.

It’s an art, really. I understand if you don’t feel up to the time commitment, or lack the financial ability to keep up with the Joneses in the “My Smoker Is Bigger Than Yours” competition that will inevitably ensue. In this case, the KCBS has a solution for you: The Kansas City Barbecue Society sanctioned Professional Barbecue Competition. Enter to win a sweet cash prize and the applause and admiration of all your peers. Take their Judge training to become authorized to eat everything you’ve been smelling all day. Organize your town’s own competition.

I have to admit that the only one we’ve been to was last year’s New Jersey State BBQ Championship in Wildwood. It’s held in conjunction with a Wing-off and a Blues Festival. Throw in a beer tent, and you’ve got yourself a party. Best weekend we’ve had in a long time! Hella! But before that mini-vacation, we’d spent plenty of time mastering the art. Make sure you look at their schedule and find an event near you. Festival food will never be the same again.

As for us, another full summer of experimentation and I think we’ll be ready to compete. We definitely have “Beer Can Chicken” down to an exact science. I’m sure we’ll be sinking another couple hundred dollars into a new smoker this year.

We can only fit FOUR racks of ribs on this one.