Spring

I am forcing myself to write. Bringing random thoughts together, those ones floating around in my head that can't quite grab on to each other. It's like the part of a puzzle that's a big blue sky, and where the hell are you supposed to start? All the pieces seem to fit together, yet none of them do. You can have the corners, you have the outline, you have the edges...and then you're left with that wide open space where the sky's supposed to be. And too many pieces to even know where to begin.

I get bored very easily. With everything. Jobs, places, people, events, you name it. Call it restlessness, call it indecision, call it grass-is-always-greener syndrome, call it passion for new things. Maybe THAT'S why I've had so many apartments. Is it necessary to change this? I just don't want to be stuck in the routine. Any routine. I think that's why I like this town. Because even though in many ways it stays the same, the population is always changing, the people are always new and bright and eager, it just seems to refresh itself every year. Honestly, I think that if I were to be attracted to moving anywhere, it would be the only place I feel like I could be MORE stimulated - NYC. There was some quote I read a long time ago...I've just located it again now, from a newspaper article by Mary Schmich (not by Kurt Vonnegut, as it was wrongly attributed) some years ago - "Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel." That, combined with Laffing Hippo's recent accolade to the things she likes about living in New York make me think I really would enjoy it.

But moving won't cure boredom on it's own. It seems like everything these days is moving in very slow motion. The job search (because my current one is temporary) has been skidding to it's screeching halt for about the past six months. I have three credits remaining to finish my degree, but I owe the school money and won't be able to finish till I pay that off. If I get a permanent job here, that would put me well one my way, in addition to giving me a discount on tuition. If you'd asked me a year ago, I would have thought I'd be at that point already. Stupid money. Blech. Luckily, this winter hasn't been overly cold or snowy...I'm sure I'd be feeling worse if that weren't the case. But these few warm days we've had have given me the itch for more and I still have two months to wait. And all these contributions to my subtle discontent don't even begin to illustrate the effect that it has on my relationship. How can you possibly be happy in a relationship when you're not happy with yourself? But most of the things that would put me on a better track to happiness are unattainable without a better income. That's just downright shitty to say or think, because yes, yes, I know, money doesn't buy happiness. But I'm not even talking about excess. I'm not even talking about material possessions. I'm talking about a job that makes me happy. I'm talking about school. I'm talking about a suitable living situation.

Yesterday, I took the day off from work. A cold, a pounding headache, and a sinking feeling of not wanting to go back in at all. The cold has lifted, the headache is only slightly lingering, but the that sinking feeling is still holding on.

I'm back at work, and just in time, it's about to snow.