Sometimes I am just fucking insane.
I have begun to do what I said I would. I brought two of my old journals with me today and have been reading them.
Do you ever really change? Does your life just continue to go in circles? Do the choices you make lead you back to the situations you are comfortable in, even if they are bad for you? Do you just draw parallels between yesterday and today, and are they actually more different?
Some of the quotes that have left shortened my breath for a moment:
"...to be there as I can be, and hope I don't hurt him by loving him, like I guess I've done to others before."
"Ugh. I love him. Fucking bad one."
"Things are getting weirder again. Yay. :)" (Literally drew a smiley face there, meaning in all seriousness that I LOVED the weirdness/drama.)
"I feel like I'm not the one writing."
"Too many people, too little time; too many friends, too few friendships."
I can't take this, I'm honestly freaking myself out. So much so, in fact, that I have done this.
Everybody wants to know what will happen. I think I'm changing my mind. I don't. I use this phrase constantly..."If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be _____, I would have thought you were crazy." And looking back on that five, ten years ago, looking back on it now with the clarity of time, I know that I don't want to know my future. Because it's not really the goal, the destination, the outcome that I find so exhilerating. It's the journey. Plain and simple.
I am putting some of these entries and random words out there for the world to read. And if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be making sections of my journal public to my friends and to the world, I would have thought you were crazy.
- deahsella
- "We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in introspection." Anais Nin "Immerse your soul in love." Radiohead
10 comments:
Say, did you see Eternal Sunshine? I really like that theme in fiction. In real life, it's more irritating.
You can change, though. You just have to get to where you see what actions we take are because we want to and which are because we react out of not knowing what to do.
:)
Jack, you are so right on w/ that comment, you have no idea.
I loved that movie more than I could possibly explain, and that's exactly why! ;)
I can't listen to songs I wrote 6 years ago much less read my journals! I just get mad and yell "What were you thinking!" every five minutes.
Oh believe me, there's A LOT of that going on. But there is a lot of good, fun stuff too, and its amazing to me how I can read something and remember EXACTLY where I was, what the weather was like, who was there, etc....
Also, it gives perspective.
I also kept a journal for most of my life and stopped writing regularly a few years ago. When I go back and read them it is seriously painful.
I threw all of my journals away years ago.
I'm such a tard.
Dawn
webmiztris.diaryland.com
It's funny to me that it seems so bad to everyone else! :) I certainly wrote my fair share of crap, and I'm cringing a lot and yelling at myself when reading some of the stupid things I've done...but I guess I tried to be really insightful when I dissected things in my journals, so now it's good to look back on in some ways.
Its funny you write about this...
I pulled out one of my old favorite books, "The Unbearable lightness of Being" and found I had underlined paragraphs in it (I am guessing 10 years ago or so). I have so *not* changed. I mean, yes I am more mature and a nicer human being, but my preferences and tastes are the fucking same. I am really glad for that though, I feel like in am in touch with who I am...an off kilter wannabe philosohper queen who has strange taste and an affinity for the bizarre. :)
Thanks for directing me here DL... Problem with me is, I was always a charming liar. I've got nothing to compair the real me with because the other guy was what everyone else wanted him to be. Crap that sounds pathetic.
It doesn't sound pathetic, d. Sorry for taking so long to respond to this...
I can't say I wasn't that way either, sometimes. But it's not pathetic. It's just trying on different hats. Really, there were days when I was not the person I know I am. Days when I was what everyone thought I was. Days when I was probably just being a liar. But they were all worth it, if they led me to being myself.
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