The level of personal information that a writer chooses to display in their own weblog is a very concious decision. But for me, a very fickle one. There are days when I may keep no secrets from you at all, and for no particular reason feel like describing every detail of my day, my thoughts, my work, my friends. I prefer not to give you real names, but aside from that, there is very little protection of the innocent.
Of course there are days, possibly a lingering teenage self-preservation tactic, where I want you to know nothing. And I write nothing. Or nothing of "substance".
Point is, I've been made aware of the fact that I don't really talk about my husband very much here. (Hmm, should I publish this...?) Is there a reason for that? My jury's still out. But for now, no. I guess it's just that I see this as an individually personal venue. Of course, many of the things I do each day or events I witness include him. Anytime I use the word "we", I've assumed it's obvious I'm talking about him. But the observations I make here are my own, the feelings are my own, and though we may agree or disagree on each particular topic, or pehaps not even discuss them at all, I have always been a very independent person and I suppose this writing is a manifestation of that.
I truly hope his feelings aren't hurt by this apparent lack of inclusion. That is most certainly not my intention. As I said, it's not even a concious decision.
Perhaps it's this: in my mind, you are not the person you marry. You are two people moving forward with your lives together, making decisions together, and every day making the decision to continue living your life in near parallel with each other. When we look back on our memories in the last few years, they always include each other, and I am very happy that they do. When we look forward, we like to think that the future will include each other as well. But the individual doesn't get replaced by the union.
Some people would see this as an extremely selfish way of thinking. I don't see it that way. I don't mean that my own desires, wishes, needs or wants supercede those of us as a married couple. But if you cannot continue to be the person you are, if you cannot go on doing the things you love to do, even if those things you enjoy doing alone, even if those are things your spouse does not like to do, then your own personal happiness suffers and, consequently, I would think the happiness of your union would suffer. There are things we absoultely love to do together. Those are equally as important. There are things he enjoys that I don't. I would never wish to take those away either.
We are all a delicate balance. And I'm happy, today, to let you know I think that.
- deahsella
- "We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in introspection." Anais Nin "Immerse your soul in love." Radiohead
7 comments:
Thank you Tara! :-)
I don't think it's selfish.
Blog whatever you want, don't blog whatever you don't want. This is your place to be you. And whatever "you" you choose whenever you want.
And if someone tells you otherwise, you should wag your finger, move your head around and say "no you di'in't!!"
Very seriously lmao!!
That would look very funny if I did it.
Thanks Jack! :-)
Well now...I am inclined to chime in on this one!!!! My blog, like your blog, is MY blog. In general, Women are taught to have their world revolve around the men in their lives, imo that is to their detriment. I think it is very important for women to have these spaces of their own, just as men have plenty of spaces/places of their own. It takes a strong, secure man to handle that DL, and you are obviously very lucky to have found one that respects you for who you are as an individual! More power to you, sister! In truth, I do make a conscious decision to not mention my husband, because in the past I lost myself in him and got severely depressed. I'm not blaming him at all, I did it to myself. You have obviously realized the price of sacrificing individuality in a marriage. Very astute, DL!
My blog is your blog? Oh...shit.
;-P
Thanks Julie...I agree, it is hard to find these personal outlets, and hard to find the time to nuture them when you do!! I do hope he understands.
Had to add to Julie's comment. Another aspect that is most likely going to arise if it hasn't already is the addition of children to the "nuptual mix." If we lose our individuality when choose to marry; just think for a second how you'll feel when you bring another human being into this world that you're responsible for, and also that you happen to love unconditionally. Loving your child and your spouse should go without saying. Making them the center of your universe, however, presents problems. You're gonna have a fight or two with the spouse and your child, at some point in your life, is going to not want to have anything to do with you. What then? Best thing anyone can do for their marriage and their child is to maintain themself as an individual "participant" in the family unit. Jesus, did this just all sound like a load of crap or am I making sense?
No, you make very good sense. Sometimes I think we'd be ready for children, but often I wonder how I'd deal with that delicate balance of needing to continue all the things I like to do, and knowing they need me too. I know everyone likes to say there's no "perfect time" to have children, but you must really have to learn how to balance your life to be ready for that. phew, huh?
All of your comments have been very much appreciated. :-)
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